Questionable queries

There are aliens among us.

I made a discovery today. I finally saw, in action, someone creating a handicapped parking space. It was neat. THEY USE A GIANT STENCIL! No tiny men painting it. Just angry normal-sized women with tiny rollers. Not at all what I dreamed it would be but hey, at least we can close the book on that one, right? One of my closest friends once told me that when she was little she thought the handicapped symbol stood for people with really large butts. You know what? The symbol does kinda look like someone with a reeeeaaallly large butt.

Once I found out my mom was an alien. I was looking through her desk drawer after school one day when I found her card.

Why I was going through my mom's stuff is a mystery. I did have delusions about being a detective. Actually, I used to write stories about how I was a private investigator. Yeah, but I always thought it was called a private "eye" not a private I. Because to me the "eye" in Private EYE stood for "I'm privately EYING you." Why was I never admitted to an ivy league school? Clearly i was a child prodigy. Clearly.

So there I was.... sifting through my mom's important documents... and I was about to throw my hands in the ai-r... like I just didn't ca-re... (sorry 90's moment) when I found some juicy dirt. There it was..... A card. A card with my mother's name on it... and in bold letters above her name it read: ALIEN CARD. Just to be sure I read it real slow... "A-L-I-E-...what?" I shouted! I knew my mom had a funny accent, but how could she keep this from me? her child! I struggled with this new found knowledge. Do I turn her in? Is she from Mars? Oh, that's silly...its way too hot there. Should I tell my sisters? Where's her flying saucer? Wait, does the government know about this? I have to confront her! My seven- year-old heart knew it was the only right thing to do. So I waited in the kitchen, in the dark. I waited and waited, AND waited for her to come home.

(p.s. waiting sucks. Especially when you want to confront someone because usually by the time they get there, do you really care anymore? How do snipers do it? I'd get bored and then miss my target. I guess it's a good thing I'm not a sniper. Or maybe it's a bad thing. Maybe if there were more snipers out there like me...then less people would get killed. Should you really call the person you're going to kill your target? That's kinda of insensitive of me. Sorry in advance if anyone reading this will be sniped in the future.)

Anyway... she finally opened the door I flicked on the light and said, "I know your secret!" She looked tired and annoyed. Apparently an 8 hour work day will do that to you. "Want to tell me about this?" I held up the card. She grabbed it out of my hand, and looked at it. "Oh, come on now Minda mouse..." she said it was a card for being a different type of alien and that she didn't have a flying saucer parked out back. That's her story and she's stickin' to it. Well she has, even after all these years. All I have to say is... Sure mom. Sure.