Ranch- 1 Me- 0
i accidentally got ranch on my cheek. How? I'm not sure. Probably because I'm 25, clearly this is my first meal. So I reach for the napkin and instead...stick my hand in the ranch. Great. Awesome. SPECTACULAR. Why do I have the motor skills of a two year old!?! Ah... I'll wipe it off on the napkin. Genius! Ranch hands no more. Chow time. oh wait, I still have stuff on my face. I take the napkin....wipe my face...Success! Too bad I wiped with the part that was covered in ranch. awesome. Great. GRAND! I now have a ranch mask. A mask made of ranch. Covering my face. Covering my face in a restaurant. Thank you Hidden Valley. Thank you for making your ranch so irresistible. a**holes. (excuse my french.) It tastes so heavenly and blends so splendidly with my white plate. A serene combination. Next thing you know... BAM! sneak attack - you're wearin' your very own ranch maquillage. (excuse my French, ha, I make jokes.)
And that was dining with Melinda B. The short and sweet version. ha
Yesterday I painted and Painted annnnnd Painted. Until my fingers were permanently stuck in the brush-holding position. But it was worth it! it was! And I will show you how worth it, it was...soon. When I've got some good shots. Oo OOooh Maybe I can even do a mini tour of my house?!?! Via Video? I'm on it! Only one more little room to paint and we're finito!
Halloween came and went. eh. It was fun but I wasn't prepared for it this year. I was too busy painting away. I did throw a mini party at my house. hey, a random pic of me in my pirate costume (courtesy of photographer and friend - Mr. Pete Ogilvie) - are you afraid?:
I'm afraid. of myself. right now.So this is the story from long ago. The story of when I said...er typed...on this very blog... "Oh, yeah... story number 2? Should I save that for a different Blog? I think I should." The question posed was: "have you ever slapped someone?" And I gave you guys the small tale of my creaming the shiiiight out of my friend Jason's face in biology class... need a refresher? click here it's question 46.
And the colder it's gotten outside...the more I think of snow. and when I think of snow I think of "STORY NUMBER 2 - THE SLAPPING HEARD 'ROUND THE WORLD" dun Dun DUUUUN! I am ashamed of my actions on this day, but I'm not gonna lie...it felt great to slap the bejeezus outta him. Him who? Read on and you'll see.
It was a beautiful winter day in the year of 2008. The birds were singing the "it just snowed" tune. And all the men, um wait. that doesn't seem right. All the boys of the house were stirring with excitement over the three measly inches of snow we gained during the night. Where was the Fair Maiden?
(ahem... that's ME. It's my story I can be a fair maiden if I like. But then again...what is "fair"? In this sense does it mean "average"? Why wouldn't you just call her the "plain maiden"? or the "OK Maiden"? Wait? It means "pleasing appearance"? Maybe I should call myself the OK Maiden? I think I will..)
Anyway. So the "OK Maiden" was fast asleep, dreaming of sugar plumbs and fairies, and designer shoes 90% off, and very large engagement ring, soda free of calories, and fritos with no fat... OK, OK. You get the picture. She was fast asleep, enjoying her slumberland thoroughly. Mostly because the boys of the house kept her up late while they were playing Ye Olde Rock Band until 4 in the morn. Why is ye olde television on the wall connected to the OK Maiden's bedroom? Not sure what genius made that happen. Anyway. The fai... excuse me...the OK Maiden was awakened ever-so abruptly (and RUDELY- MAY I ADD) by the yelling and throwing of snowballs at her boudoir window.
"UGH!" she stirred from her sleep, "ugh...SHUT THE 'H' up, I HATE YOU! I DON'T CARE THAT IT'S SNOWING -I'm not twelve annnnd I JUST GOT TO SLEEP." Such a lovely thing- the OK Maiden. Every man's dreamboat. But her cries were useless, for they were outside and her words were muffled by the brick walls that separated them.
(well really - lets be honest. this house was made in the last two years...the walls were linoleum with a hint of sheet rock and wood. no brick. )
She grumbled to her feet and pulled on her rain boots with disdain. "I'll get those jerks for waking me," she vowed as she threw herself into the window, ripping away the curtain to unveil the snowy outside. Rubbing the sleepiness from her eyes she turned her face to see what the heck ye olde nuckle heads were up to now...
"What the?" There, her beloved was writing the most horriblest of horrible words into the snow on her car. What words did he write, you ask? Well, I never thought someone as proper as you would want to hear such horrible words. I can't say them here...but meet me in a dark alley and I shall whisper the horrible words in your ear because that's the only place filthy words like that belong. In the gutter. And once I've whispered those horriblest of horrible words you'll wonder why you ever wanted to know. Why would her beloved write such horrible words? She didn't understand it either.
The fair... dangit... the OK Maiden snatched closed the drapes and stomped to the front door of the house. Steam pouring out of her ears... rage in her heart...and blood flooding into the vein pulsating on her forehead...she ripped open the front door. Fate had delivered her object of rage in front of her. He was giggling with gitty delight, holding a snowball in one hand and reaching for her hand with the other, "come out here and.." Before he could finish his ear was tightly in the grip of the OK Maiden. And she wasn't letting go. "Ow, that hurts...tha..."
A deep, almost evil voice bellowed from the depths of the OK Maiden, a voice she had never heard herself use before, "HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND? Do you know how disrespectful that is? DO you think it's funny to write horrible words on my car? Do I go around calling you **** ****? " ( Look, I told you they were horrible words!) She pulled him to his knees... and gave him a Whap! right across the face!
Stunned, he hunkered down and slinked away from her. "YOU BETTER CLEAN THAT OFF MY CAR NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!" She yelled! The boys scattered with freight and her beloved scrambled to her car to delete the shameful words. She reflected on what just happened. Oh no! What did I just do? Returned to her senses she realized - ya know I could have handled that a bit better... She waited inside for her love to return.
"I am so sorry!" Matt said.
"No, I'm so sorry that I smacked you! I was just so mad!" the OK Maiden exclaimed.
"I'm not. I deserved it." Matt replied.
" Good. I love you." -OK Maiden
"Good. I love you." -Matt
And she let him live that day. And the next and the next. And he's still living to this day. Right now. I mean he hasn't done anything lately to her... that would put his life in jeopardy.
"Wait, Why did you even write that on my car?" - She inquired.
"Well, Fandom (one of the other roommates) said it would be funny... I mean I didn't mean to direct it at you, i just thought it would be funny...you know... to write... ok, you look kinda scary again... I'm sorry, I love you?"
"You better start running..." she said holding a snowball... "you better start running."
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