My little Diabolical Genius.

This IS DAX *if the kitty was all black.

I think Daxter might be like a diabolical genius....a russian spy disguised as a cute little kitty or maybe just a freak of nature. Just listen to this story and you decide.

Whenever we're eating we have to put Dax up because he's like a shark that smells blood. Except he's not a shark- he's a cat. And it's not blood he's after...it's food. Any kind of food. Greenbeans, popcorn, hamburgers, cold cuts, cheese, CHOCOLATE - The cat has a stomach of steele. Anyway. He goes (as my mom would say) Freakin' Nuts when he smells food. Running, jumping, sneaking under the table and pawing your food with his dirty little paw, sliding on to the eye of the stove and burning his tail... all for the savory tastiness of human food. Just yesterday he had the AUDACITY to stick his face in a pot of boiling water and fish out a piece of kielbasa i was cooking. He ran away screeching bc he burned his little mouth. SERVES HIM RIGHT! Ooooo it gets me so mad just thinking about it! (breathe in, breathe out).

So when we eat in the living room we have to put him in the kitchen and close the door. Our house is 100 years old and the doors and knobs are all original so they're pretty heavy and kind of hard for a person to open. But it never stops Dax from trying...it's actually kind of cute, i mean him streeeeetching to turn the knob with his little paws. Matt usually laughs...

"You know why I'm better than you cat? Apposable thumbs biaaaatch," he says flaunting his thumbs in Dax's face.

"Matt, leave him alone," I say. "He's just a kitten." (Why do I have to tell my fiance to stop berating a cat? *sigh* THIS is my lot in life.)

"Meow... Mewww... MEEEEEOOOOOOWWWWWW" - Rattle, rattle. The noise goes on and on, all through dinner. "Stop it Dax," I yell. And he'll refrain for like 2 minutes and then it starts all over again. "Meow. Meow. Meow"- Rattle, rattle. "DAX I SWEAR IF YOU DON'T STOOOOOPP!?!?!"

Passersby would probably think we beat our cat. (And we do...I mean. No, we would never ::shakes head yes::)

So this particular evening matt and I had had enough. We've guarded our food all evening and it was time to lock him in the kitchen so we could enjoy our meal and watch our favorite show. And Dax was irate. He was violently shaking the door knob, twisitng and turning it. It sounded like a person trying to pick a lock. We went through the usual ritual of yelling at him...etc. It got quiet then the sound got

louder
and LOUDER

and LOUDER THAN EVER

and then it just...

STOPPED

"Well finally, maybe he will learn his...D'Ah!" Matt yelled.

Dax came bouncing into the room. He stood in front of us licking his little chops...staring at our food.

"What did he, how did he, where did you...you're not strong enough to...Oh dear God... I don't accept this," Matt yelled. "I do NOT accept this! That did NOT just happen. HE did not just open that door... Let's see if you can do it again you little monster... yeah, you're going back in the kitchen....mumble mumble mumble" Matt's yelling got more faint as he picked up Dax and escorted him back to the kitchen. He was pretty baffled by the tenacity of this little kitty.

I threw my fork in the air. I can't believe it...there's no escape. And all I'm thinking is... "God? Will we ever get to eat in peace?"



To supplement the situation I have written this song...it's kind of like a work in progress... it's titled:

Dax, I don't want to have to kill you.

Dax I want to strangle you in your sleep
Then maybe I'd get somethin' to eat
You'll be so cute when you're asleep...
forever...

If I chop off all your paws
will i be punished by santa claus?
Or will he say you deserve it?

But i honestly couldn't do any of that
So instead I'll get your junk whacked
It'll be the best revenge

Dax I want to strangle you in your sleep
Then maybe I'd get somethin' to eat
You'll be so cute when you're asleep...
forever...

*Add verses when you feel them - for example one day i was trying to make a quesadilla:

Dax this is NAT-CHO cheese
So leave me alone please
I'm trying to make my quesadillaaaaaaa...in peace

Everybody Now...
Dax I want to strangle you in your sleep....